The Many Deaths of Ziva David
by Boose1968
Summary: ZIVA & TIVA FANS DON'T READ! This will be a collection of short stories/crackfics? about Ziva dying throughout the seasons of NCIS. Used to like the character, but grew to dislike her, therefore I plan on killing her off in as many varied and silly ways as I can think of. Many will be told from Tony D's point of view since it was him sacrificed at the altar of superwoman.
1. Chapter 1

Tony couldn't believe his ears, "Gee boss, last time I saw Officer David she was heading into the hotel with a smug look on her face. What happened?"

"What can I say, Tony, she's dead. Jenny called me in the middle of the night. Apparently she choked on a slice of pizza."

"Shit!", muttered Tony under his breath.

"What was that, DiNozzo?"

"Nothing, boss."

"Spill!", barked Gibbs.

"Okay…I stayed outside her hotel like you wanted. She came outside, offered me coffee, and immediately started bragging about how she knew I'd been following her all along because of her 'superior Mossad training'. Her ninja senses even told her there was another slice of pizza in the box I was throwing away, so I gave it to her. She was so annoying, I just wanted her to go away. Finally she said, something in Hebrew and headed into the hotel, I said, "buonanotte" on the off chance she meant good night and not something rude and headed for my car. Now I kind of feel bad."

"What's to feel bad about, DiNozzo? You just shared your pizza, you didn't kill her."

"I might have said, 'I hope you choke on it,' while I was walking back to the car," sighed Tony as he awaited the inevitable head slap.

Gibbs stifled a laugh and gave his Senior Field Agent a gentle pat on the head.

"Steaks…my place….bring beer."


	2. Chapter 2

**Oops! (** Kill Ari Pt 2)

Ari lay dead in Gibbs' basement, an ever growing pool of blood surrounding his head. Gibbs looked up towards the source of the fatal shot and watched as Ziva strode confidently down the stairs. He saw the high heels on her boots and wondered, " _How on earth do women walk in those things?_ "

Just then Ziva's heel caught on a loose nail in the stairs and she tumbled head first onto the concrete floor. One look and he knew she was dead. He started dialling the familiar number as he stepped over her body.

"Hey, DiNozzo, I know it's late but I need your help cleaning out the basement."

"On your six, Boss!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Irony?** (Silver Wars)

"You okay, Tony, Tim?" asked Gibbs.

"Yeah Boss," they both replied in unison.

Tony rubbed his aching head and glared at Gibbs, "I may never forgive you for letting Ziva drive. She was weaving in and out of traffic and driving on the wrong side of the road all the while bragging about avoiding IED's and ambushes and spending time in London. I thought she was going to kill us all!"

Gibbs looked thoughtful, "London, hmm? Take it easy until the paramedics check you out. I'll deal with the paperwork and shipping the body back to Israel."

"Body?" asked Tony, "What body? Israel? Wait, Ziva's dead? I'm sure I saw her walking around before I blacked out. She was fine."

"She **was** fine, DiNozzo According to witnesses, she got out of the truck and started kicking it and swearing at it. They said she was acting crazy. Then a bus came around the corner and 'splat' just like that — road kill. Turns out the driver had spent time in London recently and turned into the wrong lane. Is that irony? I always get that one wrong."

 **Old Sayings** (Silver Wars)

"I told Ziva to shoot her otherwise she'd kill us both" said Ducky as he zipped up the body bag.

"But no, she had to go all Mossad ninja on me and put down her gun and throw the knife. The woman had a gun pulled on us Jethro, a gun! It's basic physics, bullets travel faster than knives! Why don't they teach THAT at Mossad?"

"Easy, Duck," said Gibbs gently, "It wasn't your fault. Everyone knows you don't bring a knife to a gunfight".


	4. Chapter 4

**Dinner at Ziva's** (Boxed In)

Where the heck was everyone? Tony looked around the squad room and checked his watch again. It still said 8:09 just like it had the last two times. He could understand Ziva being late, it wouldn't be the first time she'd taken the wrong bus. But Tim was always on time, even early, and Gibbs; sometimes Tony thought Gibbs slept at the office. He called the lab, no answer. He called the morgue, again no answer. Now he was really starting to get worried. Just then the elevator pinged and a rather green Timothy McGee slowly walked out into the bullpen.

"It's about time, McSleepyhead. Where have you been? Where is everyone? What the Hell is going on?" asked DiNozzo.

Tim held up a finger to shush his co-worker and slowly walked to his desk and sat down.

"Food poisoning…all of us…dinner at Ziva's last night…bad beef in the Cholent. You're lucky you couldn't go….spent all night in the ER throwing up…Ziva's dead."

"Food poisoning? Oh my God! How is everyone else? Are they still in hospital?"

"Everyone's fine, Tony…if spending the night being violently ill is fine. They're keeping Ducky one more day because of his age just to be sure…but everyone else should be showing up soon."

"Thank God! Wait… what do you mean 'I couldn't go'?"

"What do **you** mean by 'What do you mean, I couldn't go'? It meant exactly what it sounded like," sighed a pale and exasperated Tim.

Thoroughly confused, Tony bent over, his face mere inches from Tim's and spoke very slowly, "I mean why did you say I couldn't go?"

"Ziva said you couldn't come…you were busy…you uh…preferred mud wrestling." stammered Tim.

Tony was angry now, "Well I could have and would have come **if** I'd been invited, but I wasn't, I was never asked, I wasn't told about it, I didn't get the memo!" He was almost shouting.

Tim was grappling with what to say to make his friend feel better, a task made more difficult by the continuing feeling of nausea that threatened to overwhelm him.

"Gee, Tony I'm sorry. That sucks…I didn't know. Although considering what happened, I guess …it doesn't suck that bad?"

Just then Gibbs and Director Shepard stepped off the elevator.

"Boss, you ok?" asked Tony.

"I'm good, DiNozzo." Gibbs replied curtly, "It takes more than Ziva's crappy Cholent to get the best of me."

"Abby and Palmer?"

"Back at work."

"And Ducky, how's he doing? McGee said he was still in hospital."

"He'll be fine, it's just for observation."

The Director interrupted, "Ahem, I'm fine too, Agent DiNozzo and Officer David is **dead**!"

"I know and that's great" said Tony, "uh…I mean, that's great and I know…uh I mean…I know about her being dead and it's great about you being fine, I mean…um, uh, …I'll just shut up now."

Meanwhile Gibbs had stood silently glaring at Tony, Very Special Agent DiNozzo knew then he'd blown it big time. He should have been more upset by Ziva's death. It was time to face the music.

"Look Boss, I'm sor—."

"DiNozzo, why weren't you at dinner last night?" Gibbs interrupted, "Why was mud wrestling more important than dinner with your co-workers?"

Tony started to speak, but stopped himself.

Tim saw his partner's hesitation and chimed in, "Ziva didn't invite him, Boss."

"What? Tony is that true?"

"Yeah, Boss. Honest I would have been there if I'd known about it. Come on, when have you ever known me to turn down free food?"

"That bitch didn't invite you!" screamed Abby as she came into the squad room with Palmer and threw her arms around Tony in a somewhat weaker than normal bear hug.

"People!" yelled the Director, "You do not seem to be grasping the fact that a member of this team is **dead**!"

"Now that you mention it, Director, why is she dead and you're all alive?" asked Tony.

Gibbs spoke up instead, "Apparently she was doing a **lot** of tasting before dinner and ingested more of the bacteria. The doctors did everything they could, but she'd just eaten too much."

"I think the only reason any of us are still alive is that the food wasn't really very good so none of us ate much" said Palmer sheepishly. "But, Tony, she really didn't invite you? That's just wrong."

As the team stood around talking, the phone rang. Gibbs answered, while Jenny stood watching the scene before her incredulously. Tony was asking over and over how each of them was feeling and they, in turn, were horrified that Ziva hadn't invited him. Nobody seemed concerned in the least that their teammate was dead. Just then, Gibbs hung up the phone.

"Dead sailor in Rock Creek Park! Grab your gear!"

At this, they all jumped into action; Abby and Palmer heading back to the lab and the morgue, Tony, Tim and Gibbs off to the truck like nothing had happened. Jen stood there for a moment, one tear threatening to fall, then she shrugged, turned on her heels and headed up to her office calling out to her assistant on the way,

"Hey, Cynthia, please pull all the applications for the 4th desk on MCRT and put them on my desk".


	5. Chapter 5

**Karma** (Boxed In)

I guess I should feel worse than I do.

One minute we were on the docks checking some new intel and sniping at each other over my lack of a dinner invitation, the next we were taking fire. We were like fish in a barrel out there so we ducked into an open shipping container. I never thought we'd end up locked in but better locked in here than dead out on the dock. Ziva was pissed though, kicking at the door and pacing back and forth, yelling at me the entire time.

Maybe things would have turned out differently if we'd had cell reception, but it was bad enough outside let alone inside a steel container. I wasn't worried though; if there's one thing I've learned working for Gibbs, it's that he has a kind of sixth sense and always knows what's going on. I knew we could just sit back and wait for him to find us. But Ziva, she was like a caged animal, and was driving me nuts, so I figured we should try something — anything. I suggested firing through the air holes thinking it might bring help. Of course she ridiculed that idea saying if nobody had heard the "massive firefight" they weren't likely to hear a couple of gunshots. Fine, I was really only trying to keep her occupied so she'd stop pacing and yelling She didn't have to be so snarky about it. It was a heck of a lot better than her idea. Yup, her idea: firing her gun into the steel door. That was a great idea, freaking brilliant. I warned her. I told her it was dangerous, told her firing a bullet in that enclosed space wasn't smart, told her it was bound to ricochet. I barely had the words out of my mouth when Ms. "In Mossad We Do It This Way" pulled the trigger. Darned if that bullet didn't bounce off those steel walls and hit her smack dab in the middle of the forehead — just like Kate.

I'll probably feel worse when its time to fill out the paperwork.


	6. Chapter 6

**Semi 1 Ziva 0** (Jack Knife)

I've had this little story in my head since I first saw Jack Knife. Staring down a semi is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen.

Ziva heard the van's tire blow over her earpiece. Their backup was going to be delayed. Just then she and Damon saw the truck they were supposed to hijack come around the corner.

"Pull out **now**! Block the road!" yelled their accomplice.

Damon looked at Ziva, "What do we do?"

"We stop the truck," stated Ziva matter of factly.

"Too late to back out now anyway," said Damon as he pulled their truck across the road and they both climbed out.

Ziva planted herself right in the path of the oncoming semi as Damon looked on in disbelief.

As soon as the driver saw them, he slammed on his brakes, "What the…" he exclaimed as he desperately tried to stop his truck which was careening towards the two idiots standing in the middle of the road, "Come on, get out of there!"

Neither of them moved as the brakes squealed in a futile attempt to bring the massive truck to a stop. Damon kept one eye on the truck and one eye on Ziva, who was just staring straight ahead. Was she willing it to stop? Daring it to hit them? As the truck jackknifed and drew ever closer, he knew it wasn't going to stop in time and at the last moment jumped out of the way, but Ziva stayed put. She just stood there with that stupid look on her face…right up until the semi hit her.

Damon looked at the flattened corpse and said to no one in particular, "And you people think **I'm** crazy."


	7. Chapter 7

Orders (Cloak)

Everything had gone off without a hitch; the stolen security codes worked perfectly and McGee's voice came through loud and clear leading them through the complex. Suddenly the alarm sounded.

"Uh, oh" said McGee.

"What did you do?" Tony yelled at Ziva.

"What do you mean, me?"

"Run, run!" hollered Tony.

They took off down the hallway, but there was nowhere to go except into the waiting arms and guns of the guards.

One of the them ordered, "On the ground!"

Tony stood down, but Ziva, as usual, reacted out of instinct and struck out at them. Tony tried to stop her, yelling, "No! No, no, no!" but to no avail. Ziva was Ziva. He had no choice but to back her up and was holding his own until one of the guards smashed him in the head with a rifle butt and everything went dark.

Later at the debriefing, Gibbs was furious. "What part of 'Do not engage, Do not resist' didn't you understand, DiNozzo?"

"Hey, don't look at me, Boss. Ask the guards, it was Ziva. I tried to stop her, I was shouting, 'No!' but she went full ninja on them. That's the last thing I remember before the lights went out"

Gibbs sighed, "OK, I wish I was surprised, but I can't say I am. I should never have sent Ziva in there with you. Now she's dead, Vance is furious and Eli is threatening to come over here and drag us back to Israel himself. What a mess."

"All true, but look on the bright side, Boss," said Tony. "I'll never have to buy another drink again."

And with that, Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo flipped the SecNav's coin in the air, caught it nimbly and sauntered out of the office.


	8. Chapter 8

A Helping Hand (Frame Up)

The team trudged through the brush on the way to the crime scene with Dr. Mallard and Ziva bringing up the rear. Ducky, ever the Scottish gentleman, held back branches to assist her passage. Ziva, ever the swaggering spy, begrudgingly let him. He could tell by her smirk that accepting his help annoyed her no end, but then her constant bragging about her numerous skills and superior Mossad training annoyed him, so they were even. Being a true gentleman however, he refused to let her smug attitude stop him from being himself.

They finally reached the creek and Ducky offered, "Let me give you a hand".

Ziva replied, voice dripping with condescension, "No, no, no, no, no! It is lovely that chivalry is not dead doctor, but in the army I swam 3 miles across the Red Sea AFTER scaling rough cliffs WITHOUT a safety line. I believe I can manage."

She then confidently stepped out onto the wet rocks. Almost immediately her foot slipped, she let out a short scream, and fell backwards into the water hitting her head with a sickening crack on a submerged rock. After reluctantly wading into the frigid water himself to confirm she was dead, the good doctor looked up at the rest of the team, who had rushed back at the sound of Ziva's scream, rolled his eyes and said,

"I give you Mossad's finest, a well-trained assassin, skilled in multiple martial arts and languages, supposedly able to kill someone with a paper clip…alas, unable to accept a helping hand. I however have no such qualms, gentlemen. If someone could please help me out of here before I catch my death?"


	9. Chapter 9

NCIS and CID pulled up to the warehouse within moments of each other and rushed inside; it was empty except for a few blueprints on the wall. They were too late to catch the bomber but hoped there would at least be a lead.

Tony quickly scanned the building, looked up and saw the bomb high in the rafters, "I think I know who their target is, boss…us."

Mann hollered to her team, "All right, secure the building now!"

Gibbs yelled at Ziva and Tony to go out the back and make sure nobody got in until EOD arrived. Then he followed Mann out the front.

No sooner had everyone else left than Ziva, disobeying orders as usual, snuck back in.

 _"_ _Of course she did,"_ thought Tony as he followed her. "Ziva, hey! What the hell are you doing?"

"I can disarm it," she replied while climbing towards the bomb.

"Ok…well great. Let's go outside and talk about this."

Ziva, confident in her abilities, continued to climb into the rafters, "If it detonates before EOD gets here we will lose evidence."

"Well, what a bummer. It'd be a real shame," replied Tony as he followed her nimbly up into the heights of the warehouse, "Ziva…Ziva…this has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done."

"Then why are you following me, Tony?"

"I don't fricking know!"

They reached the device and sat astride a beam facing each other. Ziva began disarming the bomb while Tony, still befuddled by the absurdity of the situation, did what she allowed him to do…held a flashlight and some wires. Trying to keep himself from thinking too much about their almost certain death, he casually mentioned he could see down her shirt. It was, after all, Tony's lot in life to keep the mood light at all times. Why change now just because he could die at any moment? His words triggered something in Ziva though and suddenly she was talking about his new girlfriend and his not checking out every woman who passed by. Funny, that's what Jeanne had said over lunch… that his eyes hadn't wandered once. He let his mind drift back to her question as to why he wasn't already taken,

 _"_ _You still haven't answered my question," prodded Jeanne._

 _"_ _Ok…ok…well… I suppose I am patiently waiting to find the right girl," stammered Tony._

 _"_ _Do you think you'll ever find her?"_

 _"_ _I'm getting more and more confident by the day."_

He realized then that he'd already found her. He'd fallen head over heels for his undercover assignment and now he was stuck in a warehouse watching a crazy woman try to disarm a bomb. They'd been ordered out of the building but she had to prove she was better than everyone else and had returned. He as usual had covered his partner's six and for that unselfish act he would likely die. He decided it was not worth dying over though and he told Ziva as much. With that she glared at him, angrily jerked a wire loose, lost her balance, and tumbled head first onto the warehouse floor a good 20 feet below.

" _Crap,_ " thought Tony as he started to scramble down from the ceiling.

Just then the bomb started whirring more rapidly than before and he realized that not only had Ziva fallen to her death, but she had also cut the wrong freaking wire. There was no time to get out of the building so he did the only thing he could. He pulled out the knife from his belt buckle, looked at the two remaining wires, closed his eyes, and cut one. Tony held his breath and hoped death would come quickly. It didn't…it didn't come at all. He finally exhaled, scampered down to the ground and went out the front door. Gibbs was really gonna be pissed.


End file.
